Three logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “would all three of you like some beer?”
The first one replies,”I dont know.”
The second one replies, “I dont know either.”
The third replies, “Yes, all three of us would like a beer.”
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The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day — like, a laminated badge. It’s like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.
(from jokes.com)
The funniest jokes from a survey of the Top 50 Funniest Jokes:
- (This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
- I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
- Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. ”It’s not unusual” he replied.
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
- I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
(from)
3 blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative. – Bill Bailey
(from reddit)
This redditor explains the humor of the joke “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
It seems to me that this joke is poorly understood. It’s not an anti-joke. It’s just a riddle. It was told at least half a century before the invention of the automobile, so crossing a road wouldn’t haven’t been considered a life-or-death gamble. (Also, the riddle predates the slang “chicken” as “coward” by even longer.)
Perhaps because we all learned it so young, the actual intent of the humor has never been considered by many.
When someone asks you “Why did the chicken cross the road?” you’re supposed to imagine all the myriad reasons a chicken would need to go someplace. A chicken might need to escape a predator, or to get back to a hen house, or to eat a bug he saw, or who knows what. The listener is supposed to assume that such a bizarre question must have an interesting answer.
The punchline is absurd because it answers the question without revealing the motivation of the chicken whatsoever. Of course the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. That’s the primary reason anything ever crosses a road. The joke plays on the ambiguity of “why” questions. As Feynman notes, the deeper you go, the more interesting the answer gets. “To get to the other side” is the most shallow and uninteresting response imaginable, which is not expected by the listener.
Consider this exchange: “Why did you fly to London last weekend?” “Because it’s much too far to swim, idiot.”
Of course it’s too far to swim. The question wasn’t really about why the person chose to fly 3,000 miles rather than swim across the ocean. The listener expects an answer explaining the actual reason for the trip, but the answer given is ridiculously obvious. That’s the joke.
(from reddit)
A redditor asked a for everyone’s funny clean jokes you can say in 20 seconds. There were a lot of great ones but here are my favorite:
- Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!”. The other cow replies “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”
- How do you cure the bird flu? Tweetment. How do you cure swine flu? Oinkment.
- A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope goes to the bathroom, ties itself up, messes up his hair and walks back to the bar and orders his drink. The bartender says, “Didn’t I just tell you? We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope says, “I’m a frayed knot.”
- What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping down the street? His mom had to wake him up.
- What did the zero say to the eight? “Nice belt.”
- What does a pirate do on the weekend? YARRRRRRRRdwork.
- Why was the scarecrow awarded a nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field.
- Just re-watched Benjamin Button, again. Never gets old.
- A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck up his nose and a banana sticking out of his ear and says “Doctor doctor! What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says “You’re not eating properly.”
- What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaa!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
For most people, this much setup would be bad. For Norm, it's hilarious.
