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27 Collective Nouns for People

by Hugh Moore on July 29, 2011

A variety of collective nouns for people: professions, classes and types.

  1. A banner of knights.
  2. A bench of Bishops.
  3. A disworship of Scots.
  4. A draught of butlers.
  5. A drunkenship of cobblers.
  6. A field of runners.
  7. A hastiness of cooks.
  8. A neverthriving of jugglers.
  9. A nucleus of physicists.
  10. A pantheon of gods.
  11. A peloton of cyclists.
  12. A ponder of philosophers.
  13. A portfolio of stockbrokers.
  14. A poverty of pipers.
  15. A rascal of boys.
  16. A ruck of football players.
  17. A scathe of zombies.
  18. A scull of friars.
  19. A set of mathematicians.
  20. A shower of meteorologists.
  21. A shuffle of bureaucrats.
  22. A state of princes.
  23. A superfluity of nuns.
  24. A thought of barons.
  25. A threatening of courtiers.
  26. A tumult of tuba players.
  27. A wisdom of grandparents.

from wikipedia.

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10 Misunderstood Phrases from Reddit

by Hugh Moore on July 25, 2011

Someone started a great thread over on reddit about words that people mispronounce. In that discussion some funny misunderstood phrases broke out:

  1. For all intensive purposes…
    (“All intents and purposes”)
  2. She cut off her nose to spider-face.
    (“To spite her face”)
  3. It’s a doggy dog world.
    (“Dog eat dog world”)
  4. It’s a moo point.
    (“A moot point”)
  5. Don’t put her on a petal stool.
    (“On a pedestal”)
  6. You are a diamond dozen.
    (“Dime a dozen”)
  7. That really bottles the mind.
    (“Boggles the mind”)
  8. That’s just an old wise tale.
    (“Old wives’ tale”)
  9. I’m peachy king.
    (“Peachy keen”)
  10. You’re a spit and image of your father.
    (“Spitting image”)

(from Reddit)

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New Endings for Old Proverbs

by Hugh Moore on July 5, 2011

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-nown proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

  1. Don’t change horses … until they stop running.
  2. Strike while the … bug is close.
  3. It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time.
  4. Never underestimate the power of … termites.
  5. You can lead a horse to water but … How?
  6. Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.
  7. No news is … impossible.
  8. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
  9. You can’t teach an old dog new … Math.
  10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning.
  11. Love all, trust … Me.
  12. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
  13. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
  14. Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution.
  15. Happy the bride who … gets all the presents.
  16. A penny saved is … not much.
  17. Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers.
  18. Don’t put of f till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed.
  19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and … you have to blow your nose.
  20. There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder.
  21. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
  22. If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.
  23. You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box.
  24. When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.
  25. A bird in the hand … is going to poop on you.
  26. Better late than … pregnant.

(via reddit)

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35 Collective Nouns for Animals

by Hugh Moore on June 29, 2011

Collective nouns are often quite humorous, and none are as good as the collective nouns for animals. Here are 35 of the best:

  1. An army of frogs.
  2. A band of gorillas.
  3. A bevy of swans.
  4. A business of ferrets.
  5. A charm of bees.
  6. A convocation of eagles.
  7. A corps of giraffes.
  8. A descension of woodpeckers.
  9. An exaltation of larks.
  10. A flush of ducks.
  11. A glaring of cats.
  12. A hover of trout.
  13. A knot of toads.
  14. A labour of moles.
  15. A murder of crows.
  16. A mute of hounds.
  17. A nye of pheasants.
  18. An obstinacy of buffalo.
  19. A pandemonium of parrots.
  20. A parcel of penguins.
  21. A parliament of owls.
  22. A phalanx of storks.
  23. A quarrel of sparrows.
  24. A rainbow of butterflies.
  25. A richness of martens.
  26. A scourge of mosquitoes.
  27. A skulk of foxes.
  28. A sloth of bears.
  29. A trembling of finches.
  30. A troop of kangaroos.
  31. A troubling of goldfishes.
  32. An ugly of walruses.
  33. A volery of birds.
  34. A wake of buzzards.
  35. A yoke of oxen.

Pulled from wikipedia.

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No, It’s a Feature

by Hugh Moore on June 23, 2011

Ah yes, it’s a feature.

<xcabbage> C++ takes forever to compile
<richardt> you are referring to C++’s built-in coffee-refill time
<richardt> it’s a feature.
<richardt> with C, there’s no time.

(from bash).

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12 Funny Clean Jokes from Reddit

by Hugh Moore on June 22, 2011

A redditor asked a for everyone’s funny clean jokes you can say in 20 seconds. There were a lot of great ones but here are my favorite:

  1. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!”. The other cow replies “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”
  2. How do you cure the bird flu? Tweetment. How do you cure swine flu? Oinkment.
  3. A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope goes to the bathroom, ties itself up, messes up his hair and walks back to the bar and orders his drink. The bartender says, “Didn’t I just tell you? We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope says, “I’m a frayed knot.”
  4. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
  5. Did you hear about the kidnapping down the street? His mom had to wake him up.
  6. What did the zero say to the eight? “Nice belt.”
  7. What does a pirate do on the weekend? YARRRRRRRRdwork.
  8. Why was the scarecrow awarded a nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field.
  9. Just re-watched Benjamin Button, again. Never gets old.
  10. A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck up his nose and a banana sticking out of his ear and says “Doctor doctor! What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says “You’re not eating properly.”
  11. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaa!
  12. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom.

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Ships in the Night

by Hugh Moore on May 17, 2011

A clever story of the importance of grammar.

I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked, “What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?”

“That,” I replied, “would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like it.”

“You’re interested in Martha?”

“I’m interested in clear communication.”

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “May the best man win.”

Then he sighed. “Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique couple.”

“You couldn’t be a very unique couple, Roger.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Martha couldn’t be a little pregnant, could she?”

“Say what? You think that Martha and me…”

“Martha and I.”

“Oh.” Roger blushed and set down his drink. “Gee, I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t,” I assured him. “Most people don’t.”

“I feel very badly about this.”

“You shouldn’t say that: I feel bad…”

“Please, don’t,” Roger said. “If anyone’s at fault here, it’s me!”

via SHIPS IN THE NIGHT by Lawrence Bush.

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27 Random Facts and Trivia

by Hugh Moore on May 16, 2011

    A collection of random facts and trivia. Read up, these could win you money on Jeopardy or a free drink at the bar someday.

    1. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
    2. A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
    3. One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
    4. The State of Florida is bigger than England.
    5. A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.
    6. The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump.
    7. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
    8. In England, in the 1880′s, “Pants” was considered a dirty word.
    9. The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.
    10. Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts – an hourglass and a sundial.
    11. The “you are here” arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.
    12. The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter “screeched” and “strengths”.
    13. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
    14. If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter “A”.
    15. All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).
    16. San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.
    17. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
    18. In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.
    19. In the film Forrest Gump, all the still photos show Forrest with his eyes closed.
    20. A snowflake can take up to a hour to fall from the cloud to the surface of the Earth.
    21. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
    22. The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.
    23. If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult’s brain waves.
    24. When you hear a bullwhip snap, it’s because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.
    25. There are 40,000 New York City cab drivers, who collectively drive more than a million miles each day.
    26. For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects.
    27. A chef’s hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

    (from funny2.com)

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    Tales from Tech Support

    by Hugh Moore on April 27, 2011

    A collection of absurd tech support stories from 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar 2011

    On Customers Who Are Panes in the Neck:

    Tech Support: Do you have any windows open right now?
    Customer: Are you crazy? It’s twenty below outside.

    On <Sigh>:

    Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
    Customer: It says, “Hit ENTER when ready.”
    Tech Support: Well?
    Customer: How do I know when it’s ready?

    On Computer Customers, Short on RAM:

    Tech Support: What type of computer do you have?
    Customer: A white one.

    On Those Little Computer Postmen Deserve a Break, Too!:

    Tech Support: What is your problem?
    Customer: I was going to send an email to someone wanted to know–will it get delivered today even though it’s President’s Day?

    More stupid things said in 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar 2011

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    A Little Legal Humor

    by Hugh Moore on April 27, 2011

    A little legal humor from 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar 2011

    On Funny, Neither Do We:

    “I don’t make orange juice from lemonades.” – closing argument made by an assistant district attorney

    On Zombies, Legal:

    Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?
    Witness: At his funeral.
    Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

    On This is What’s Wrong with Our Legal System

    Defendant’s reply to plaintiffs response to defendant’s motion to strike plaintiff’s reply to defendant’s opposition to plaintiff’s motion for protective order, or, in the alternative, application for hearing. – title to a filing in the US District Court, San Antonio

    More legal humor found in 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar 2011

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