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5 work resolutions

It’s that time of year again. No, not when you realize you haven’t done any real work since December 5th and can’t remember your password; it’s time to make some work resolutions so your New Year is filled with success, opportunity and awesomeness.

Maybe you already have your resolutions in mind (promotion here you come), but what if they’re the wrong ones? Here are 5 resolutions you should avoid in your successful New Year:

1. Give your computer liposuction.

Your computer is fat32.

Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: It’s understandable, your computer has gained a few pounds over the years what with the extra RAM, webcam and all the sticky notes on the monitor. That extra weight could make your computer move slower, might lead to computer depression and is certainly a nuisance when you have to move the old guy.

Why It’s Not: Even while your computer has gained some bloat, it’s not a good idea to just start cutting pieces off of him or ripping out his hard drive. Sure, there could be extra stuff in there, but there’s definitely necessary stuff there too. You might accidentally take out his cooling fan and that’s only going to make him more temperamental. If anything, put your computer on a diet of less applications and help him trim the fat of old, unnecessary files from that Downloads folder on his desktop.

2. Pursue your dream of being a space cowboy.

Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: Remember when you were a kid and everyone told you to follow your dreams, and that you can do anything you set your mind to? This year, you might be thinking of finally pursuing that dream job because it will motivate you, make you happy and you’ll make oodles of money. As a space cowboy.

In space, no one can hear you “Mooo.”

Why It’s Not: 2011 might be the year for a new career, but if that dream career combines cattle AND outer space, you may want to reconsider. Cows don’t like space and it makes their milk taste weird. Better to stick to something earthly like teaching or project management.

3. Take Up Smoking for the Breaks

When the cancer can’t come fast enough.

Why It Seems Like a Good idea: Every 2 hours, you see Jim from Accounting take a break from his number crunching, leave the office and enjoy a breath of fresh air (and several of smoke). Not only is he not working, he gets to go outside, and look really cool like the people in Mad Men!

Why It’s Not: First, there are much more productive things you can do when taking a short break (such as enjoying some office humor). Second, all that smoking will eventually get Jim another kind of break — hospitalization for all the ailments caused by smoking and/or by being hit with a falling piano while standing outside.

4. Spend More Time with Your Unborn Child

Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: Family is incredibly important and the best gift you can give them is your presence. And, if your husband or wife is pregnant, what better way to kick things off than to spend all of your time with your future son / daughter / alien?

A missed movie collaboration.

Why It’s Not: While spending more time with your family is a worthy goal, you should resolve to do it with family members who are a little bit further along in their gestation. Not that you can’t spend time with the baby in the belly, just don’t follow her around everywhere she goes or mommy (or daddy) will put you in time out. Sometimes the baby just wants some alone time so she can sort out if Tommy, the other fetus from Baby Yoga, likes her.

5. Work More on Your Boss Impersonations

How can you impersonate the boss when you don’t know who it is?

Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: So you read about the power of humor in the workplace and figured what better way to cheer up the old gang at work than through spot-on impersonations of the boss. After all, it always works out well for the people on The Office.

Why It’s Not: This is a bad idea for two reasons: 1) When the target of your humor is a person, no matter how thick-skinned or thick-headed they seem, it might offend them. 2) That offended person can fire you.

Instead, why not resolve to use more positive humor that will boost your productivity, improve your relationships, upgrade your health and be more fun? To learn how, check out our sister site on humor at work.

About the author: Drew Tarvin is an improv, stand-up and sketch comedian living in New York City. To find out more, check out his website, drewtarvin.com, head over to his tumblr, or follow him on twitter.

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