Texts

Job Descriptions: Easy and Hard Versions

by Hugh Moore on December 26, 2011

A redditor asked an interesting question: Explain your job in two ways: first making it sound as complicated/hard possible, second as easy/simple.

Here are some of the best descriptions:

zylphite:

Hard: I oversee the process of colliding quadrillions of subatomic particles into other atoms in a precisely controlled fashion in order to generate a self-sustaining chain-reaction, which generates heat in the form of kinetic energy.

Easy: I boil water by hitting really small things with other really small things.

BrainyChipmunk:

Hard: I’m assessing the effects of ethanol on cognitive tasks including episodic-like memory and neurophysiological markers such as synchronous local field potential oscillations.

Easy: I get rats drunk.

 ihaveamastersdegree:

Hard: I creatively detail life experiences targeting senior management of underfunded corporations.

Easy: I am unsuccessfully searching for work.

pineapple2048:

Hard: I am involved in a multi-disciplinary work environment. I work nine hours a day, with my tasks shifting depending on what is expected of me at the given hour. I am allowed very little say in what goes on, and am expected to follow the word of my superiors to the letter.

Easy: I’m in high school.

zildjian3:

Hard: I regularly heat up muscle to around 400 degrees Fahrenheit until the Maillard reaction occurs in which the denatured proteins on the surface of the meat recombine with the sugars present.

Easy: I’m a line cook.

sw2de3fr4gt:

Hard: I have to read my boss’s mind.

Easy: I make marketing material.

Ganzer6:

Hard: Hydro-ceramic engineer

Easy: Dish washer

TheShaker:

Hard: I’m a doctor

Easy: Of philosophy.

 

Topics: • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

Latin Phrases to Sound Smarter

by Hugh Moore on November 30, 2011

Sure, you could say these things in English, but you’ll sound much smarter when you say them in Latin.

Vescere bracis meis – Eat my shorts.

Ut humiliter opinor – In my humble opinion

Di! Ecce hora! – God, look at the time!

Quid agis, medice? – What’s up, Doc?

Me transmitte sursum, caledoni – Beam me up Scotty.

(from Handy Latin Phrases)

Topics: • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }


Having Fun with Fun Facts

by Hugh Moore on November 14, 2011

What’s more fun than fun facts? Having a little fun with them. Started from this thread on reddit.

  1. If you took all the nerves out of a human body and laid them end-to-end, it’d be really gross.
  2. If you stacked up all the people in china end to end, you would probably be late for work.
  3. If you play Justin Beiber’s CD backwards, that means you owned a Justin Beiber CD.
  4. If all the species of beetles on earth were to disappear tomorrow, people would freak out.
  5. An adult Blue Whale, if laid longways on a basketball court, would result in the game being cancelled.

Some additional ones from Hugh Moore:

  1. If the Nile River was stretched across the United States, it would cause a lot of places to become wet.
  2. If you have three quarters, four dimes and four cents, you would have $1.19.
  3. If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks, they would be one-third less cold.
  4. If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, there would be mass hysteria.
  5. If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Giza, you would be destroying one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Topics: • • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

21 Ways to Call Someone Stupid

by Hugh Moore on October 3, 2011

There are a number of silly ways to call someone stupid, here are some of my favorite:

  1. He’s not the sharpest knife in the door.
  2. She’s a few fries short of a happy meal.
  3. The lights are on but nobody is home.
  4. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box.
  5. Her cheese has slid of her cracker.
  6. The stage is set but the Talent is missing.
  7. He’s a few bits shy of a byte.
  8. She’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.
  9. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off.
  10. His mouth is in gear but his brain is in neutral.
  11. She’s a couple of coupons short of a toaster.
  12. The engine is running but there’s nobody behind the wheel.
  13. He has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  14. She’s a few Bradys short of a bunch.
  15. The elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
  16. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
  17. She’s one neuron short of a synapse.
  18. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  19. He’s got 1000 watts but no lamp.
  20. She’s one shrimp short of a cocktail.
  21. The brain waves are crashing but they’re a little short of the beach.

(from reddit)

Topics: • • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

Ponderisms

by Hugh Moore on September 29, 2011

Some things that make you think (sent to me via email):

  1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  6. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’?
  7. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  8. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  9. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  10. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Topics: • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

3 Blind Mice Joke

by Hugh Moore on September 16, 2011

3 blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative. – Bill Bailey

(from reddit)

Topics: • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

Hamlet Anagram

by Hugh Moore on August 26, 2011

Anagram from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. The famous line:

To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…

Can be rewritten as:

In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten…

Topics: • • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

20 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

by Hugh Moore on August 25, 2011

Fun things to do while riding in an elevator:

  1. Go into a crowded elevator and say “I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you all here.”
  2. Looking nowhere in particular, say “That’s a weird place to put a piano.”
  3. Sit down (possibly in a chair you bring with you).
  4. After someone exits the elevator, just as the doors are closing, say “Wait, you forgot your…”
  5. Get everyone on the elevator to agree to bust out laughing as soon as the elevator opens on the ground floor as if you just said an amazing joke. -
  6. When someone goes to push a button, stop them and ask “Wait, can I push it for you? I like the way it feels.”
  7. Wear headphones that aren’t plugged into anything. Quietly “sing along” to a ridiculous song.
  8. Face the wrong way.
  9. When going down, press the button for 3 floors. Get off at the first stop, run down and get back on the same elevator on the third spot.
  10. Hold the elevator doors open and explain to the other passengers that you’re waiting for your friend, George. Wait a few seconds and then turn to the empty space and ask “George, what took you so long?”
  11. Stand in the corner, whispering.
  12. Make race car noises any time someone gets on or off.
  13. Repeatedly whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World.”
  14. Offer name tags to people who enter the elevator.
  15. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  16. Yell “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
  17. Lean against the button panel.
  18. As the door closes on someone’s way out, whisper softly “I love you”, with enough time for them to turn around and make eye contact.
  19. As you get on, make a point of being seen slipping a $1 bill between the crack of the elevator car and the floor. Let a moment pass and ask them in your most nonchalant manner, “Do you think I should have tipped more?”
  20. As someone gets off, follow them and hold your finger to ear while saying “Target on the move.”

(from reddit)

 

Topics: • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Explained

by Hugh Moore on July 30, 2011

This redditor explains the humor of the joke “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

It seems to me that this joke is poorly understood. It’s not an anti-joke. It’s just a riddle. It was told at least half a century before the invention of the automobile, so crossing a road wouldn’t haven’t been considered a life-or-death gamble. (Also, the riddle predates the slang “chicken” as “coward” by even longer.)

Perhaps because we all learned it so young, the actual intent of the humor has never been considered by many.

When someone asks you “Why did the chicken cross the road?” you’re supposed to imagine all the myriad reasons a chicken would need to go someplace. A chicken might need to escape a predator, or to get back to a hen house, or to eat a bug he saw, or who knows what. The listener is supposed to assume that such a bizarre question must have an interesting answer.

The punchline is absurd because it answers the question without revealing the motivation of the chicken whatsoever. Of course the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. That’s the primary reason anything ever crosses a road. The joke plays on the ambiguity of “why” questions. As Feynman notes, the deeper you go, the more interesting the answer gets. “To get to the other side” is the most shallow and uninteresting response imaginable, which is not expected by the listener.

Consider this exchange: “Why did you fly to London last weekend?” “Because it’s much too far to swim, idiot.”

Of course it’s too far to swim. The question wasn’t really about why the person chose to fly 3,000 miles rather than swim across the ocean. The listener expects an answer explaining the actual reason for the trip, but the answer given is ridiculously obvious. That’s the joke.

(from reddit)

Topics: • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

27 Collective Nouns for People

by Hugh Moore on July 29, 2011

A variety of collective nouns for people: professions, classes and types.

  1. A banner of knights.
  2. A bench of Bishops.
  3. A disworship of Scots.
  4. A draught of butlers.
  5. A drunkenship of cobblers.
  6. A field of runners.
  7. A hastiness of cooks.
  8. A neverthriving of jugglers.
  9. A nucleus of physicists.
  10. A pantheon of gods.
  11. A peloton of cyclists.
  12. A ponder of philosophers.
  13. A portfolio of stockbrokers.
  14. A poverty of pipers.
  15. A rascal of boys.
  16. A ruck of football players.
  17. A scathe of zombies.
  18. A scull of friars.
  19. A set of mathematicians.
  20. A shower of meteorologists.
  21. A shuffle of bureaucrats.
  22. A state of princes.
  23. A superfluity of nuns.
  24. A thought of barons.
  25. A threatening of courtiers.
  26. A tumult of tuba players.
  27. A wisdom of grandparents.

from wikipedia.

Topics: • • • • •

{ Be the first to comment }

← Previous Entries