Lists

The workplace is like Network TV in that you can’t swear or be inappropriate. So if you’re looking to vent frustration, but want to do it appropriately, take some inspiration from this list of lines from movies that were edited for TV.

Note: Since this is a SFW blog, I’m not going to share what the original lines were; you’ll just have to use your imagination.

21 Great Censored-for-TV Lines

  1. “You are one ugly maggot farmer.” – Predator
  2. “Frank, leave it alone, you silly barstool.” – Hot Fuzz
  3. “Fuzzy aliens are taking over our school.” – The Faculty
  4. “Funky police.” – Pineapple Express
  5. “This town is like one great big chicken waiting to get plucked.” – Scarface
  6. “Jeeper’s Creepers, that thing’s real?” – The Matrix
  7. “Right on my sandwich after you kiss it.” – Dumb & Dumber
  8. “Give me my burger-sandwich.” – Good Will Hunting
  9. “I’m an inconsiderate pine.” – Liar Liar
  10. “I’m going to kick your rump.” – Bring It On
  11. “Hand me the keys you fairy godmother.” – Unusual Suspects
  12. “The price is wrong, BOBBY.” – Happy Gilmore
  13. “This whole Friday sucks.” – Tango & Cash
  14. “Slug in a ditch.” – The Hard Way
  15. “Motivator, please.” – Resident Evil: Apocalypse
  16. “You scumbums couldn’t close an umbrella.” – Smokey and the Bandit
  17. “Cotton balls!” – Old School
  18. “Put down that TV before I blow your gosh darn knees off, egg roll.” – Police Academy
  19. “Oh yeah? Well, you’re  a froggin’ ashpole!” – There’s Something About Mary
  20. “I have had it with these monkey-fightin’ snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane.” – Snakes on a Plane

And last but not least:

  1. “Yippie-kay-yay, Mr. Falcon.”
    Or “Yippie-kay-yay, Melon Farmer.”
    Or “Yippie-kay-yay, Merry Christmas.” – Die Hard

Inspired by this thread on reddit.

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In honor of April Fool’s Day, here are 10 computer shortcuts you can use for evil pranking a friend. Why would you need to use these? Let’s say your friend or co-worker steps away from his desk for just a few minutes (to get more coffee or go to the bathroom) and foolishly leaves his computer unlocked.

These shortcuts will allow you to use that small window of time to pull a (somewhat) harmless computer prank that’s not only hilarious, but teaches him the value of locking his computer when he steps away.

NOTE: Humor’s Office is not responsible for any damage (physical or mental) these shortcuts may cause. Also all of these shortcuts were tested on Windows 7 / Office 2007, though will likely work on most versions of Windows / Office.

10 Computer Shortcuts You Can Use for Evil

1. Turn on High Contrast

What It Does: Turns on High Contrast mode on a computer screen.
Level of Evilness: 1 – It just changes the display, which is easily reversed.
How to Do It: Hit Left Alt + Left Shift + PrintScreen.
How to Fix It: Hit the same keys: (Left Alt + Left Shift + PrintScreen).

2. Lock the scrolling in Excel.

What It Does: Changes the behavior of Excel so that when you hit the arrow keys, it changes the view, not the cell selection.
Level of Evilness: 2 – Experts in Excel will quickly know what’s going on, but novices will likely be confused / gradually aggravated.
How to Do It: In Excel, hit Scroll Lock.
How to Fix It: Hit Scroll Lock again.

3. Turn the display upside down.

What It Does: Changes the orientation of the computer display to left, right or upside down.
Level of Evilness: 3 – It might confuse people, but is easy to fix and does no permanent damage.
How to Do It: Hit Ctrl+Alt+DownArrowKey (or Left, Right or Up).
How to Fix It: Ctrl+Alt+UpArrowKey.

4. Turn on Computer Beeps.

What It Does: Turns on “ToggleKeys” which makes the computer beep every time you push a lock key (such as Caps Lock).
Level of Evilness: 4 – It doesn’t do any damage and may take awhile to pay off, but it can certainly be annoying when you don’t know why your computer is beeping.
How to Do It: Hold down the NUM LOCK key for five seconds, then hit Yes.
How to Fix It: How down NUM LOCK for five seconds again.

5. Insert Random Text in Word.

What It Does: Inserts random text into Microsoft Word.
Level of Evilness: 5 – It’s pretty easy to remove to random text from a document, but if you put it in the middle of a 30 page proposal, it may take a while to get noticed.
How to Do It: Enter the following into Word: “=rand(x,y)” where x = the number of paragraphs and y = the number of sentences you want.
How to Fix It: Highlight the random text and hit Delete.

6. Make the keyboard seem broken.

What It Does: Turns on FilterKeys which ignores brief or repeated key strokes.
Level of Evilness: 6 – It’s easy to fix but may take some people a long time to even realize FilterKeys is enabled; in the meantime they’ll think their computer is broken or they don’t know how to type.
How to Do It: Hold the right Shift key for 8 seconds, then hit Yes.
How to Fix It: Hold the right Shift key for 8 seconds.

7. Create a Dummy Desktop.

What It Does: Replaces the desktop background with an image of the old desktop background. If you remove the folder icons, it then seem like the computer is not responding / desktop shortcuts won’t open.
Level of Evilness: 7 – Easy to restore unless you delete all of the shortcuts and empty the recycling bin. Incredibly frustrating while you try to figure it out.
How to Do It: Go to the desktop, hit Ctrl+Prnt Screen. Open Microsoft Paint, hit Ctrl+V to copy the screen capture of the image, save the image. Right click on the image, select “Set as Desktop Background.” WindowsKey + D to go the Desktop, Ctrl+A to select all shortcuts, Delete to delete.
How to Fix It: Restore the shortcuts from the Recycling Bin, reset the Desktop background.

8. Change the capitalization in a word document.

What It Does: Changes the case of the selected words (CAPS, no caps, Proper).
Level of Evilness: 8 – It’s pretty easy to fix (with Ctrl+Z) but could be really annoying for large documents if you save/close the document, especially for anything with a lot of acronyms.
How to Do It: In Microsoft Word, highlight a selection (or the entire document by hitting Ctrl+A), then hit Shift+F3 to cycle through: all caps, no caps, proper case.
How to Fix It: Ctrl+Z is the easiest. If you save the document and then exit, Ctrl+Z won’t help. The next best step is to highlight the section and Shift+F3 to proper case (though you will lose in-line capitalization on proper nouns and acronyms).

9. Rename all the files in a folder.

What It Does: Renames all of the files in a folder to the same name (adding a number at the end to prevent duplicates).
Level of Evilness: 9 – Unless you immediately do Ctrl+Z, there’s no easy way to get the original names back.
How to Do It: Go to a folder with files in it. Hit Ctrl+A to Select All, Hit F2 to Rename the first file, Enter the name you want to give to all files, Hit Enter.
How to Fix It: Ctrl+Z can be used until another folder action takes place (such as deleting a file).

10. Cause a Blue Screen of Death on Command.

What It Does: Triggers a BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) any time a specific shortcut is entered.
Level of Evilness: 10 – This takes a bit of pre-work on the computer, but you could conceivably cause a BSOD on a friend’s computer in seconds after it’s been setup.
How to Do It: Enable debugging mode (follow this guide), restart the computer, then hit Ctrl+Scroll Lock (twice) to cause the BSOD.
How to Fix It: Disable debugging mode.

Have any computer shortcuts you use for pranking your co-workers? Share them in the comments? Want to prevent your computer for getting messed with, remember the most important shortcut of all: WindowsKey + L to lock your computer.

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The S#!% [Person] says videos started just before the new year with Sh*t Girls Say – Episode 1, created by Kyle Humphrey & Graydon Sheppard. The video was a humorous look at things girls say, and it touched off a wave of similar videos. Now videos in that same style have become a full-blown internet phenomenon, filling the internet with videos of people walking and talking just like little Rory Calhouns.

To keep this somewhat work-related, here are 7 videos that show what various professions are saying. Warning: These videos are Mostly Safe for Work (aside from a few curse words).

1. Lobbyists

Hopefully this isn’t what’s actually being said behind closed doors in D.C.

2. Web Designers

These people work hard every day to help make sure we have an Internet to goof around on.

3. Creative Directors

Apparently this is what managing creatives leads to.

4. Scientists

This might explain why we don’t have flying cars yet. Or superpowers.

5. Project Managers

I was going to write a quip here, but it was out of scope.

6. Bartenders

This guy needs to figure out some way to unwind after work.

7. Programmers

It’s only right that the programmer take on this meme is a subversion of the original idea.

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Sure office supplies can be used for getting actual work done, but how much cooler is it when it’s used for art? Here are 10 examples of art made with office supplies.

1. Office Supplies X-Wing

What do you get when you combine a few binder clips, pen caps, a sharpie and brass fasteners? A Star Wars ship of course.

2. Dry Erase Marker Window Art

Artistic combination of dry erase markers and what you can see out your window. From windoodles.

3. Binder Clip Scorpion

One of the best uses of binder clips (and a staple removal) I’ve seen.

4. Packing Tape Portrait

A portrait of Curly from the Three Stooges made with packing tape. By Mark Khaisman.

5. Paperclip Chandelier

A chandelier made entirely of paperclips.

6. Pencil Tip Sculpture

Elvis sculpture in the tip of a pencil. Yes, it’s art in the tip of a pencil. By Dalton Ghetti.

7. Staple Skyscrapers

A city skyline made of staples. From ephemicropolis.

8. Thumbtack Portrait

A portrait made entirely from thumbtacks. From Eric Daigh.

9. Bubble Wrap Calendar

A check-off calendar made with Bubble Wrap.

10. Post-It Note Animated Message

A romantic animated message using a set of post-it notes.

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10 Great Quotes on Humor

by Hugh Moore on January 23, 2012

We recently celebrated the publishing of our first book, and to celebrate we wanted to share some of our favorite humor quotations. If you’re interested in more quotes on humor, check out the book, 50 Quotations on Humor.

10 Great Quotes on Humor

humor quotation

1. “Humor is mankind’s Greatest Blessing.” – Mark Twain

humor quotation

2. “A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.” – Mignon McLaughlin

humor quotation william james

3. “Humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

humor quotation langston hughes

4. “Like a warm summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” – Langston Hughes

humor quotation michael shurtleff

5. “Humor is not being funny. It is the coin of exchange between human beings that makes it possible to get through the day.” – Michael Shurtleff

humor quotation edward g bulwer-lytton

6. “Humor is the sunshine of the mind.” – Edward G Bulwer-Lytton

humor quotation thomas jefferson

7. “Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.” – Thomas Jefferson

humor quotation henry ward beecher

8. “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble in the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher

humor quotation ludwing wittenstein

9. “Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.” – Ludwig Wittenstein

humor quotation francis bacon

10. “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” – Francis Bacon

If you liked these quotations, be sure to check out our book, 50 Quotations on Humor. You can also purchase some of the posters in the Humor’s Office Store.

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Frisson is a word that comes from French meaning “a sudden, passing sensation of excitement; a shudder of emotion;” It can often be felt when listening to particularly moving songs, or emotionally fraught moments in movies. Also real life, but it’s hard to link to real life.

Of course, frisson is hard to explain, but easy to demonstrate. For that purpose, here’s a list of 10 songs, in no particular order, that are likely to cause frisson. In fact, if you can get through the whole list without feeling a single shiver of excitement, you might want to get a Voight-Kampff test because you’re a robot, fam.

1. Sigur Ros – Festival

An ethereal-sounding post-rock band from Iceland, Sigur Ros exemplify why people are rightfully enthralled and terrified by Iceland.

2. Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah

Jeff Buckley recorded this Leonard Cohen cover in 1994. Did you know one of definitions of hallelujah is, “a musical composition wholly or principally based upon the word ‘hallelujah.’” In other words: Hallelujah! Jeff Buckley covered the hallelujah “Hallelujah.”

3. Steven Sharp Nelson – Nearer My God to Thee (for 9 Cellos) – arr. James Stevens

Steven Sharp Nelson is a cello performer who has recorded a number of popular covers of songs using solely or principally cellos. He has no stated plans to record a “Cello Goodbye” cover.

4. Led Zeppelin – Going to California

“What are you tryin’ to tell me here, little man? That you don’t like Zep?” — Brock Samson, fictional character

5. Vaughan Williams – Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis Part 1 | Part 2

This piece, composed in 1910, is scored to resemble an organ in sound by dividing the orchestra into three separate sections.

6. Gustav Holst – Mars, the Bringer of War (from The Planets)

Fake history: One time, Gustav Holst wondered what the planets  would sound like if they were music. From 1914-1916, he worked to come up with an unscientific but very entertaining musical work. This is only one piece from the seven-movement piece.

Interesting fact: There are only seven movements because Earth did not get one, and Pluto was getting cold dissed even back then. (Actually, Pluto wasn’t discovered until 1930).

7. Camille Saint-Saëns – Danse Macabre

According to legend, Death appears every year at midnight on Halloween, and raises the dead to dance for him until dawn. Danse Macabre is a figurative representation of this: the violin solo is the devil fiddling, the xylophone represents the rattling bones of the dead, and the oboe at the very end is the rooster’s crow signaling dawn.

And you thought classical music was boring.

8. Björk – All Neon Like

See: Sigur Ros, in re enthralling / terrifying.

9. Interpol – Hands Away
Interpol is an indie rock band from New York City, a place that might not know salsa, but sure knows music.

10. Franz Liszt – Ungarische Phantasie Part 1 | Part 2

Franz Liszt was a 19th century composer, conductor, and piano virtuoso. Which is true, but inaccurate, considering the guy was an absolute rock star.

This is how I like to imagine Franz Liszt

Bonus Video: Miracle (2004)

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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10. Jon Stewart @ William & Mary [2004]

Good message on accepting that not everything will be perfect.

9. Tina Fey @ Fieldston High School [2008]

Some great rules from improvisation and how it applies to life. (Video quality is not great, incomplete.)

8. Will Ferrell @ Harvard [2003]

Scattered through the hilarity that is Will Ferrell are some great words of wisdom. (Video quality is not great.)

Part 2 and Part 3

7. Eugene Mirman @ Lexington High School [2009]

Mostly humor, but a great way to start a high school graduation. (Video quality not great.)

6. Bob Newhart @ The Catholic University of America [1997]

Some especially valuable notes about humor and laughter.

5. Stephen Colbert @ Knox [2006]

Some great humor points and the basic rule of improvisation.

Part 2 and Part 3.

4. Amy Poehler @ Harvard [2011]

Humility and humor, a great combination.

3. Ellen DeGeneres @ Tulane [2009]

Great humor and important points on facing adversity.

2. Bill Watterson @ Kenyon College [1990]

Just an overall great speech from one of my idols.

1. Conan O’Brien @ Dartmouth [2011]

Mostly humor but some incredibly poignant words of wisdom at the end.

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Humorous illustrations from graphic designer Glenn Jones (artist handle GLENNZ). You can find more (and buy them as t-shirts) from his website, GLENNZ TEES.

1. Ransom Magazine

2. Computer Trash

3. Super Glue

4. Daily Chug

5. Clairvoyant Club

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There are just certain things that you never would think would have a name, but in fact they do. Here are 15 Things You Didn’t Know Had Names:

  1. aglet – the tip of a shoelace made of plastic.
  2. armscyes – the armholes on a shirt.
  3. ferrule – the protective point or knob at the end of an umbrella.
  4. glabella – the space between the eyebrows.
  5. hammerspace* – the place where items are pulled from when coming “out of nowhere” in a cartoon.
  6. lemniscate – the name for the shape of the infinity sign.
  7. noid* – the tiny wait “tables” that come in pizza boxes.
  8. peen – the end of a hammer opposite the striking head.
  9. petrichor* – how it smells after it rains (that clean, greenish smell when rain lands on dry ground).
  10. philtrum – the vertical groove on the median line of the upper lip.
  11. rowel – the star on the back of a cowboy’s spur.
  12. sabermetrics – the statistical and mathematical analysis of baseball records.
  13. scroop – the rustling, swooshy sound ballgowns make.
  14. tittle – the dot over an ‘i’ or a ‘j’.
  15. wamble – the sound of your stomach rumbling.

BONUS: sniglet – a word coined for something that has no specific name.

*Denotes a word not found in a common dictionary.

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