Good advice, water bottle, good advice.
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It’s that time of year again. No, not when you realize you haven’t done any real work since December 5th and can’t remember your password; it’s time to make some work resolutions so your New Year is filled with success, opportunity and awesomeness.
Maybe you already have your resolutions in mind (promotion here you come), but what if they’re the wrong ones? Here are 5 resolutions you should avoid in your successful New Year:
1. Give your computer liposuction.
Your computer is fat32.
Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: It’s understandable, your computer has gained a few pounds over the years what with the extra RAM, webcam and all the sticky notes on the monitor. That extra weight could make your computer move slower, might lead to computer depression and is certainly a nuisance when you have to move the old guy.
Why It’s Not: Even while your computer has gained some bloat, it’s not a good idea to just start cutting pieces off of him or ripping out his hard drive. Sure, there could be extra stuff in there, but there’s definitely necessary stuff there too. You might accidentally take out his cooling fan and that’s only going to make him more temperamental. If anything, put your computer on a diet of less applications and help him trim the fat of old, unnecessary files from that Downloads folder on his desktop.
2. Pursue your dream of being a space cowboy.
Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: Remember when you were a kid and everyone told you to follow your dreams, and that you can do anything you set your mind to? This year, you might be thinking of finally pursuing that dream job because it will motivate you, make you happy and you’ll make oodles of money. As a space cowboy.
In space, no one can hear you "Mooo."
Why It’s Not: 2011 might be the year for a new career, but if that dream career combines cattle AND outer space, you may want to reconsider. Cows don’t like space and it makes their milk taste weird. Better to stick to something earthly like teaching or project management.
3. Take Up Smoking for the Breaks
When the cancer can't come fast enough.
Why It Seems Like a Good idea: Every 2 hours, you see Jim from Accounting take a break from his number crunching, leave the office and enjoy a breath of fresh air (and several of smoke). Not only is he not working, he gets to go outside, and look really cool like the people in Mad Men!
Why It’s Not: First, there are much more productive things you can do when taking a short break (such as enjoying some office humor). Second, all that smoking will eventually get Jim another kind of break — hospitalization for all the ailments caused by smoking and/or by being hit with a falling piano while standing outside.
4. Spend More Time with Your Unborn Child
Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: Family is incredibly important and the best gift you can give them is your presence. And, if your husband or wife is pregnant, what better way to kick things off than to spend all of your time with your future son / daughter / alien?
A missed movie collaboration.
Why It’s Not: While spending more time with your family is a worthy goal, you should resolve to do it with family members who are a little bit further along in their gestation. Not that you can’t spend time with the baby in the belly, just don’t follow her around everywhere she goes or mommy (or daddy) will put you in time out. Sometimes the baby just wants some alone time so she can sort out if Tommy, the other fetus from Baby Yoga, likes her.
5. Work More on Your Boss Impersonations
How can you impersonate the boss when you don’t know who it is?
Why It Seems Like a Good Idea: So you read about the power of humor in the workplace and figured what better way to cheer up the old gang at work than through spot-on impersonations of the boss. After all, it always works out well for the people on The Office.
Why It’s Not: This is a bad idea for two reasons: 1) When the target of your humor is a person, no matter how thick-skinned or thick-headed they seem, it might offend them. 2) That offended person can fire you.
Instead, why not resolve to use more positive humor that will boost your productivity, improve your relationships, upgrade your health and be more fun? To learn how, check out our sister site on humor at work.
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I don’t know about you, but with the amount of time I spend in meetings, I need some work humor. Here are some of the best one liners and jokes about meetings.
On Meeting Length:
I propose a new rule: meetings can not last longer than my laptop battery or my bladder.
On Committees:
There’s a reason they’re called committees. When you’re on one for too long, you start to think about committing something else- suicide, murder, yourself into a mental institute.
On What You Learn in Meetings:
I learn a lot in meetings. For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
On Nodding in Meetings:
I think the reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it almost looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing whenever we’re in a boring meeting.
On Conference Calls:
I don’t know what ferences are, but based on how I feel about conference calls, I must be proference.
On Early Morning Calls:
My alarm clock broke so I’ve started scheduling early morning calls at the time I want to wake up.
On Meeting Topics:
My biggest issue with meetings is that, despite their name, they are rarely about me.
The importance of being honest on your resume. Starring Christopher Graves.
Dar Tch Support,
I think thr is somthing wronng with my kyboard; spcifically the dlt ky and th lttr ” do not appar to b workign. I am unabl to dlt or chang anything I typ.
As you can imangin, this maks it hard to writ things such as rports and mails. In fact. the othr day I had to submit a rport that was full of rrors bcaus this stupid keybboard. Do you now how many words hav th lttr ” in thm?!/ It maks m want to bash your bra—
Pls ignor th last sntnc, I lost my tmpr. Bbbut if you could snd m a nw kyboard, that wswould m grat.
Sincrly, Drw
There’s so much planning and work you have to do for most vacations these days, that you need to take a vacation from the vacation. Between all the stuff you have to get done at work before you leave, and all the stuff you come back to, plus all the planning you have to do for the actual vacation, you come back more tired after your “days off.”
I think the only true vacation is if you just accidentally fall into a coma for like a week. Because then you didn’t waste any extra time preparing for your absence at work, you didn’t have to plan a trip, and people are sympathetic afterwards, so you have plenty of time to catch up once you awaken. Maybe that’s where I’ll go next year: comatose.
Have you ever realized how a Rubik’s Cube is kind of like the challenges of life? I have.
Instant messaging at work is usually dull and boring. But what if you started using emoticons? Too many emoticons?
